NinthPrime’s blog

I had intended to go snowshoe-ing with Deb tomorrow, but, as it gets closer, I realize I don't want to go.  And I hate the act of flaking out, and rarely do it, but you gotta follow your gut right?

The factors:

(1) We have to meet our ride at 8:15 in the morning.  I think that means I'd have to get up at 6:30am.  On a weekend?!

(2) My school is having a writing workshop tomorrow on how to follow the APA (American Psych Association, I think) guidelines for how to document your sources etc, which will come in handy before my class for next quarter.  I thought I would blow it off, but it seems important, and there is no word when they will hold another one as the girl who organized this is graduating.

(3) My company holiday party is tomorrow night.  And I thought I didn't want to go.  But now I do.  A coworker is having a pre-shindig-shindig at her house that I think would be fun and mellow.  And Rob doesn't want to go, and I told them all that I probably wouldn't make it due to snowshoe-ing, so it'll be casual, for me, in my brain.  And I kinda want a reason to dress up, and make my hair pretty.  Hah.

(4) I am woefully lacking in appropriate gear, and appropriate gear is goddamn expensive and I don't have the extra cash right now.  Missing?  Snow boots or hiking boots - all I have is sneakers.  Water-resistant gloves - all I have is fashionable wooly ones.  A water bottle.  Trail food.  Polyester layers of clothing.  Deb described to me the importance of *not* wearing cotton, because when you sweat, it stays wet, and you stay cold.  You need materials that "wick" away your sweat.  Even at cheapo store like Fred Meyer, snow pants are $60.

So, there you have it.  I left her a message, just waiting to hear back, I hope she isn't pissed or bummed (she'll still be going with about 8 other folks).
 

Rob and I appear to be falling apart again.  I say we break up on the exact same day as last year, December 7, I think.  What's that, about 10 days to fuck it up?  I have mixed feelings about it all.  It's essentially no different than it has been for quite awhile (years).  He's this giant ball of need, and I'm like - look, I'm giving you all I have to offer, and then he verbally beats up on me about it.  And we're in that cycle, where I can't do anything right.  That sounds wonderful, huh?  Yay.

I think I have to break up with him, and that breaks my heart.  I just really can't think of a single reason *why* we should be together.  Besides love.  But clearly, that just isn't enough.  And when you are both co-dependant assholes, it's really hard to sort and trust love from the other garbage.

We aren't making eachother happy.  We've had some nice moments here and there.  But mostly, neither one of us has gotten what we wanted out of this relationship, this experiment of getting back together.  If I look at it honestly, I have been settling for less than I want.  And his neediness bugs the ever-living-shit out of me, so most of the time my reaction to him is "leave me alone".  So I know I am asking him to accept less than he wants as well.  And what kind of life is that?

If I have balls, I will probably break up with him tomorrow.  Though it's more likely that we'll toture eachother for a few more weeks.  Or maybe we'll both have a grand ephiphany and snap the hell out of it and live happily-ever-after. BWAHAHAHAHAAAA.

Hyundai packed with three suitcases from my 3-month France trip, what was left of a carton of Newports I bought for $20 at the Exxon near my Mom's house in Delaware, Flinch and her cage and her litter box and her food dishes, some audiobooks, Jeff's phone number at our new apartment, my boss' phone number who I had to call and tell I was running one day late.  I thought I could get across the country in 4 days, but it took 5, since I hit snow non-stop from Minnesota to the Cascade Mountains here in Washington.

I stayed the first night in Wheeling, West Virginia, the tiny sliver of the state on the west side of Pennsylvania.  I got stuck in a snarl of 5pm rush hour traffic outside of Chicago the next day, which cost me probably three more hours than I had expected and made it all the way to some suburbs in Minnesota to sleep that night.  I slept in Wyoming and had dinner at an Applebees because the snow became too treacherous and I just couldn't go any further in the dark.  I slept in Montana.  I drove about 8-12 hours per day.

Got into Seattle right around 5pm the Monday before Thanksgiving.  Jeff was going to have band practice that night, but his friend cancelled, thankfully, so Jeff was actually there when I got to our new home.  The top level of a house split into two, in a nice part of town.  Three times as much in rent and one third the space of the house we rented in Kansas!  We went for a walk and he showed me our new neighborhood, we could see the Space Needle!  I had a fake duck dish at the Teapot, a veggie Chinese place.  In the morning I woke Jeff up to give me directions to where I had to go into work.  I made it there fine, but had a hard time finding my way back that night!

That's how it all got started.  Cheers Seattle, happy anniversary to us.

Flinchy came home today, from the iodine treatment doctor.  Two days earlier than expected.  I was pleased with myself, I totally lived on my budget and had the cash to pay for it.  Though - hello paycheck, goodbye paycheck.  I sent the pet health insurance claim in last night, so hopefully they'll reimburse me sooner than later.  I wasn't pleased with the human bedside manner of the vet tech or vet, but, heck, they were good with Flinch and probably got into vet work because they like animals and not humans, heh.  Thankfully, Flinch's hyperthryoid wasn't too bad, so they gave her a relatively low dose of the irradiated iodine.  All it takes is a quick shot, but they need to keep the kitties until their radiation level is below a legal amount.  So, she had to get prodded by the doc, and spend the night in a cage, but overall, not a horrible experience for her.  The house was weird and empty without her last night.  Soon we curl into bed.

Bullets from this week - (1) I flailed in my planning and couldn't finish my math homework by the time it was due on Wednesday, so I turned it what I had (4 out of 6 sections), and I think that is okay.  Life happens.  Right now, I am going to unplug my phones so no one wakes me up, with the intent to sleep in, because I have been lacking in the self-care lately, both sleeping and eating, but I bet I'll be up by 9AM anyway.  Then I'm going to work on the homework I didn't finish and take the math exam for this week. (2) Big big fights with Rob, but, I'm doing my best to work it out, and that's gotta be enough, right?  (3) Flinch (4) Had drinks with a coworker pal and bonded some more, she even invited me to Thanksgiving.  (5) No sleeping, bad eating, bad TV when needed to zone out, grrrr.

Okay, now to bed.  More later.

Okay, so I love me some Sean Connery.  I mean, in the - he's a sexy man, no matter his age.  My only beefs being the claims that he beat his wife, and that he doesn't let himself be bald.  BUT.  I have to say, I grew up in the 80s.  I really believe that who you are is shaped by the cultural influences around you in that decade between ages 10 and 20.  And Cable TV was just becoming popular when I was a kid.  And we had HBO, which played the same movie at least 6 times a day.  Hence my seeing Star Wars ("#4") and Grease and Zapped and about 1000 other movies like 20 times over the course of a summer.  And all the James Bond movies I saw were Roger Moore.  Roger Moore dammit.  He is cheeseball James Bond to me.  Shoot me, I know it's not a popular opinion.  But Roger Moore is James Bond to me.  And hellllloooo, DURAN DURAN did the theme song for one of the movies, in like 1987 or 88.  And at the end of the video, singer-guy says "Bon, Simon le Bon".  I remember it came out one summer and I was at the beach with my family and wanted to go see the movie and my mom was like - you know Duran Duran isn't IN the movie, right?  Of course I did, but I didn't care .  But we didn't go see the movie.